How to Be Patient with Your Child

In the previous article 'Why Parents Should Have Patience with Their Child' I explained why parents must have patience whether their child has died or their child has challenging behaviours. In this continuing article, I will show how parents can be patient.

What to do:

1. Accept it immediately

If you're in any type of challenging situation with your child then accept this as your test and be content with it. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, “Great reward comes with great trials. When Allah loves a people, He tests them, and whoever accepts it attains His pleasure, whereas whoever shows discontent with it incurs His wrath.” (at-Tirmidhi)

This acceptance has to be immediate. Narrated Anas bin Malik: The Prophet (peace be upon him) passed by a woman who was weeping beside a grave. He told her to fear Allah and be patient. She said to him, “Go away, for you have not been afflicted with a calamity like mine.” And she did not recognize him. Then she was informed that he was the Prophet. So she went to the house of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and there she did not find any guard. Then she said to him, “I did not recognize you.” He said, “Verily, the patience is at the first stroke of a calamity.” (Al-Bukhari)

2. Say "Innalillahi wa inni ilayhi rajiun"

Praise Allah for this test that will cleanse you and bring you closer to Him and say, " Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiun". Umm Salamah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “There is no Muslim who is stricken with a calamity and says what Allaah has enjoined – ‘Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allaah, reward me for my affliction and compensate me with something better’ – but Allaah will compensate him with something better.” (Muslim)

3. Hold Yourself Back

Whether a child is taken away or a child displays challenging behaviour, parents tend to lash out in anger or despair. To avoid despair you must have hope that there is a way out, Allah says,

Do not lose heart nor fall into despair! You shall triumph if you are believers. (Quran 3:139)

This is the exact time to practice self-restraint and hold yourself in check. Allah says,

No one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint, none but persons of the greatest good fortune. (Quran 41:35)

Remember that the strong person is one who controls himself. Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said, "The strong man is not one who is good at wrestling, but the strong man is one who controls himself in a fit of rage." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

To stop yourself from lashing out, try to remain silent. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Imaam Ahmad).

To help yourself in remaining silent, seek refuge with Allah. Count to ten or one hundred if you have to. Take deep breathes to slow your breathing and calm yourself. Visualise yourself in the serenity of Jannah if you can or surrounded by the tranquility of a deserted beach - whatever image that means peacefulness to you. When you concentrate your thoughts on any of these things, your mind is no longer dwelling on the negativities of the situation and you can then think more clearly of what action to take next.

4. Take Action When Calm

If your child misbehaved then you can 

a) focus on emotions. Pinpoint the emotion that your child is feeling and reflect this back to him. You can say, "You're feeling ---(frustrated/angry/sad etc) because ---(rephrase what your child said)." When you do this, your child will feel validated that you've acknowledged his feelings. This could then open up to deep and meaningful conversations.

b) use empathy. Concentrate on the behaviour and point out how that affects other people. Ask your child what he can do to make it better. This not only teaches your child to have empathy for others but to get him to take action to fix the problems that he has caused.

c) give advice. When your child is ready to listen then give advice on the correct Islamic behaviour. This is not a long lecture but a short and to the point positive action to take. Read how the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave advice here.

If your child was taken from you then you can have hope that you will meet again in Jannah, where there will be no sickness and no death. Then strive to do actions that will take you to Jannah.

5. Pray to Allah and Make Supplications

When we have any problems, we always pray to Allah and ask of Allah.

Seek Allah’s help with patient perseverance and prayer. It is indeed hard except for those who are humble. (Baqarah: 45)

Ask Allah whatever you need as the parent's supplication is answered by Allah. (Read more on the power of a parent's dua here.) Make dua for your child and for yourself that you remain patient and pass the test.